Hurricane Harvey is inching toward Texas as I type this, and yes: We ought to make sure our most vulnerable Texans are safe from the storm; let’s make sure our animals and pets are sheltered; and let’s ensure we secure our living spaces to withstand the wind and the rain.
Precautions aside, I’m giving Harvey fair warning: It’s you who ought to prepare for Texas, partner.
Don’t believe me? Here’s why:
- We’re bigger than you. Take a look at the satellite image above: Texas dwarfs you, and the map doesn’t even show the whole state, loser. We have water parks larger and wetter than you.
- We’ve seen your kind before. Texas has been hit by more than 40 hurricanes since 1900 alone, according to one National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration report. Texas is still standing: We sent Dolly partin’ in 2008; withstood 180 mph winds from one of your predecessors in 1970; and didn’t like Ike, the followup to Dolly in 2008. You think we’re afraid of some glorified water spout named Harvey?
- Cordell Walker of “Walker, Texas Ranger” lives here. Head back out to the Gulf, Harvey: You’re no match for Chuck Norris’ most beloved TV character. You may be a force of nature, but Chuck Norris forces nature to do whatever he wants it to do.
- Texas is the 11th-largest economy—in the world. After our governor claimed last year that Texas was the 10th-largest economy in the world, one website set out to verify that. Though the governor apparently forgot to include California in the mix—making it 10th and Texas 11th—we’re still pretty dang successful. California doesn’t count, anyway. We survived a recent recession and an oil downturn, not to mention the second iteration of “Dallas.” You think a rain cloud with a name scares us?
- We actually could use the rain, so even when you do show up—if Cordell Walker hasn’t destroyed you first with a roundhouse kick—you’ll be helping us in a way. We’ve been in and out of droughts lately, at least here in Austin, and my grass is getting a little brown. Your rain—which we all know will really be tears from Walker’s thrashing—will save me from having to turn on the sprinklers.
Read about how hurricanes are named here!
Waiting out Harvey’s boo-hoo tears? Read more Texas-themed posts of mine:
- 10 Texas vacation observations
- Was Glen Campbell a genius? What is a genius? (He has a song called “Galveston”—close enough.)
- No major yet? Don’t fret, college students (I mention Lubbock in this one.)
- Am I shy or snobby? I don’t know my neighbors (The Texas heat is referred to here.)
- Same here: Andy gets reel about mowing